Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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