Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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