I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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