Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
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Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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