What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize