i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
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Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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