got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
not ubering you a puppy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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