the condom got lost in my hair
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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