I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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