I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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