Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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