I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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