You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize