I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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