I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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