I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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