My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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