It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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