I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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