I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize