dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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