I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
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I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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