Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize