Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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