My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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