I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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