My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
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I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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