There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Its about making memories worth repressing
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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