I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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