I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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