Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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