I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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