Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
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Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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