I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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