I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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