if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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