So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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