He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
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If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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