Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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