My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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