Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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