I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
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Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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