Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize