i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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