and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
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I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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