all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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