I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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