Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he puts the penis in happiness.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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