I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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