i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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