Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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